"You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old."

"Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years."

"Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair."

"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two."

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible."

"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."

"God seems to have left the receiver off the hook and time is running out."

"The best of the houses is the house where an orphan gets love and kindness."

"When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes."

"'Oh,' replied his patient, with no malice aforethought, 'he told me to come and see you.'"

"It is a sign of a creeping inner death when we no longer can praise the living."

"No man is a hypocrite in his pleasures."